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Navigating the difficulty of making (and keeping) friends.
There’s a verse in Proverbs that says, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24 KJV). 
We would all love to have a few friends that stick like glue, but the “friendly” is the hard part for us. You’ve probably spent a lot of time wondering how to get friends without having to throw yourself into circles of social butterflies.
Our Power to Make Friends that Stick
The beautiful part of the answer is the key itself. Unlocking the secrets of making close friends lies at the heart and soul of the introverted personality. Isn’t that great? While extroverts have many friends and even more acquaintances, they seem to struggle with the ability to have a close “inner circle”. It’s as if they own the charisma to attract the crowds, but lack the understanding of how to draw in the soulmates. I have learned not to envy the plight of the extroverts at all.
Obviously, crowds and gaggles of people aren’t my thing. But how unfulfilling and dissatisfying it would be to me to have lots of friends that come and go, but no relationships that run deep under the surface? Ones that last a lifetime, even if you don’t see each other often. Coming from the viewpoint of an introvert, I’d say we got the better end of the deal. I didn’t use to think that way. But then again, I was allowing society’s expectations and personality values to pressure me into thinking that I was lacking. If you are there, I know how miserable that is. It can be a difficult pit to get out of. But once you get out of the traffic of extroverts and start cruising along the highway, it’s so freeing. You’ll wonder what took you so long.
One More Thing…
Before I begin on how we can be friendly, I need to mention one thing. When we are interacting with people, anything that isn’t hanging out in the corner or being a fly on the wall feels forced to us. Injecting ourselves into the group feels like an intrusion. It’s not. I’ll address that in another article. But the truth still remains that people can truly being trying to force something to happen (mostly from loneliness and desperation) that would never happen organically. People can sense when that is going on and it makes them feel uncomfortable and pushed. No matter how hard one tries, or how much they want a friendship out of that, forcing and manufacturing encounters or dialogues never end with lasting relationships. There is a big difference between forcing a relationship and stepping up to put yourself out there so friendships can form. I will talk about a couple different ways to make friends that fit in with what you are comfortable with, and what doesn’t feel forced or conjured.
Natural Progression
My first close friend came about quite by happenstance. It was a natural progression that slowly morphed into something very special. Our families got to know each other when I was about 11 years old. One of the girls was about 3 years younger than I. But we played together, talked, and became pen pals because we only saw each other once a month.
She really didn’t need my friendship like I did hers, because she had a massive extended family and thus lots of friends, though she was more introverted than extroverted. I grew to view her as my best friend, but I wasn’t hers, which took me a while to accept and be OK with. That can sometimes happen, but don’t let it discourage you. Everyone has different circles, and it may be that someone’s circles have been established a lot longer than the circle that they’re in with you. That is one way to develop a close friendship. Sometimes it really doesn’t feel like you had to do anything to get there, because it happens on its own. I treasure and value those relationships a lot, because I realize how fortunate I am. They are rare.
Intentional Development
Purposeful relationship development is a lot more common for us in gaining close friends that stick, and don’t pass us by. Usually these start out as having some sort of common association such as a fellow church-goer, co-worker, student, or even relative. The circumstance of going to the same place at the same time to accomplish a common goal brings you together. Without a little conscious effort, these associations can stay merely acquaintances or work relationships. The great part about this is, generally you have the time to get comfortable around them as you work, study, or worship together. As you get to know them a bit, you can be drawn to wanting a friendship outside work, school, church, etc.
At this point, you have most likely discovered common interests that you share. The next step would be to look for an event, activity, or get-together you could do and invite them to it. This is the time that you will find out if your wish for a friendship is mutual. If they are not interested in developing anything further with you, you will see a lack of interest or enthusiasm. Don’t worry or feel embarrassed. It might happen a few times with different people. That’s normal. But keep trying. You will be able to tell the difference between politeness and genuine interest. When it finally happens, it will be an awesome score!
When You Don’t Have To Initiate…
Sometimes the person can express their desire to get to know you better first, which is even more awesome! If you are anything like me, then initiating a friendship always leaves you wondering if there’s a reason outside of genuine “liking you for you” that they are spending time with you. These relationships take purposeful and continual investment to keep growing. Especially as an adult, there is never a point where you can sit back, relax, and let it happen on its own. Life is too busy and time goes by way too fast. As the friendship deepens, it can seem easier, but it will always need constant, yet natural effort.
Conclusion: You CAN Have Close Friends that Stick
And that’s it! Really, it’s that simple. You don’t have to be like a socialite, and go to parties, events, gatherings, shindigs, concerts, or crowds to find potential friends that “stick”. Leave that to those who find “the more the merrier” exciting and being “the life of the party” invigorating. Close friendships are better and easier developed with “two’s company, three’s a crowd”. And deep, lasting, soulmate relationships are what mean the most to us, and what we find most valuable. And the only place to find those is right beside you. Daily. Weekly. Frequently. Working together, studying with each other, worshiping side by side. Sharing common ground. I find that to be a beautiful and rewarding thing.
To continue the series, or to read previous articles in “Navigating the Obstacles of an Extroverted Society, see my “Psychology” page at https://www.thoughtspirations.com/psychology/ .
If you would like to learn more on thriving as an introvert in today’s society, visithttps://www.quietrev.com/. Or click below to read the amazing book by the author on the preceding companion website.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
This is article three in the series Navigating the Obstacles of an Extroverted Society.
